While supermarkets are determined to sell Halloween to get us to enter into the spirit of it all in the same way as the Americans there are signs that the British are not so keen.

Posters stating ‘No Trick or Treat’ or ‘Say No to Halloween,’ are on many front doors. Unfortunately they just flag up those that are unwilling to give treats and might just as will state ‘Trick Please’ or ‘Throw Egg Here.’

Windows are boarded up and letter boxes nailed down – but this only happens if you don’t give treats to the ghouls on your doorstep.

The British spirit of ‘fair play’ means that ghouls and spectres give us a chance to change our mind and provide treats. Unfortunately our stubborn British Bulldog natures mean we won’t, so we’ll still get egg on the door.

The police are a lot more in evidence, but don’t manage to scare anyone, as usual.

Everyone is warned not to frighten the elderly – that’s the job of care homes.

We live with hospital supebugs, surveillance cameras everywhere, a binge drinking culture and a Nanny state – what’s to fear at Halloween?

http://www.daelnet.co.uk/images/news/british_bulldog.jpg

Tenacious Fighters. Once they have their teeth into something they don’t let go.
Jamie Oliver. Bob Geldof. Margaret Thatcher.

Funny and can be Ridiculous.
Sarah Ferguson. Ken Dodd, Cherie Blair.

Great with the Elderly and Children.
Princes Harry and William, The Krankies, Simon Cowell –NOT!

Slow.
Gordon Brown, David Beckham.

Fat and Ugly yet Strangely Attractive.
Dawn French, Matt Lucas, Father Christmas.

Slow to Mature.
Chris Evans, Tony Blair, Mick Jagger.

Tendency to Dribble
Hugh Grant, Jade Goody, Ozzy Osbourne

Prone to Health Problems
Elizabeth Taylor, Kate Moss (hers is called Pete Doherty.)

Any town or village has at least one antique, bric-a-brac or junk shop. Most antique shops contain a certain amount of junk while many junk shops contain antiques. It’s probably the percentage within the shop that decides on the name.
Collectors are the most prolific browsers as they are forever hoping to add another item to their stock

There is no rhyme or reason for any specific collection whether a famous painting or thimbles unless it is thrown open for public viewing. This is because once a certain number of the said item is contained in the collection, there is just not the time to look at and enjoy each one.

This means that despite the momentary pleasure gained from acquiring it, thousands of collectors are giving storage to things that they have no further real use for. Even stranger, many of the collections are completely worthless because nobody in their right mind would be particularly bothered about owning one toilet roll cover let alone 2,647.

The worrying thing is that collectors existed way before computers did so they must have had to log each item by hand, to keep track of the number, or remember to write the last number of items so that each new one could just be added on. But what if the log book or number was mislaid or you weren’t quite sure whether you had logged every item?

They must have spent a good part of their lives counting. unless of course they collected different numbers in sequential and ascending order.

To destroy the myth that the British can’t cook. Yorkshire pudding exports will ensure Britain is renowned for fine traditional cuisine. French restaurants will introduce Snail in the Pail, (Yorkshire pud.) In Sweden, Smorgasboards will serve Yorkshire Puds with various fillings while Germans will enjoy Kröte-in der-Höhle with Bratwurst.

To ensure Equal Opportunities.
Exporting them to France will ensure French women get curves and suffer ‘fat days’ like the rest of us.

For Multiple Uses across Mainland Europe.
In Switzerland giant Yorkshires become sledges. The Mafia will use them as gun silencers. Spanish will combine lunch and siesta by using them as pillows.
Supplies of the mixture would be on standby to bake into boats during floods, and as snack housing for refugees and asylum seekers.

To Introduce Edible fashion.
French and Italian designers, inspired by the texture and pliability of Yorkshire Pudding will create edible hats, shoes and handbags. ‘Yorkshire pudding Bras’ will become the biggest fashion item since the polka dot bikini.

To Conform to EU Regulations on Size and Shape.
Yorkshire puddings made in muffin tins, would easily conform, but rogue puddings could be used as safe play surfaces for children’s playgrounds.

To Give Them all a Mouthful.
‘Yarksha Poooodun’, ‘Yaksva Putin,’ ‘Yorksimmisso Puddingella’, ‘Yookshear Pooden’. ‘Yolkshare Pardon?’

To Foster Good Relations between Britain and Europe.
Images of a French man in a beret on a bicycle, with bunches of Yorkshire puddings replacing onions will delight Britain and create harmonious British/French relations. An Ambassador of puddings will lead the EU and leaders will discuss European affairs around the ‘Peace Pudding.’

To Replace the Eurovision Song Contest with a Eurovision Pudding Contest. Of course Britain’s entry will always be voted the winner!

source : http://images.encarta.msn.com/xrefmedia/share…

Autumn time in British woods where the earthy smell of rotting leaves mingling with a waft of wood smoke on the air makes it seem as though Robin Hood and his Merry Men are just a sniff away.

Lawless Robin robbed the rich and gave to the poor, becoming one of our most popular folk heroes. He didn’t use it to buy a flash horse or a swanky castle. He just repaid the exorbitant taxes that the royals and wealthy nobles were fleecing from the people, who until then had just accepted the unfairness of the situation and tried to manage.

Just like us today, when even the measliest wage packets suffers deductions, pensioners pay thumping great council tax bills, grieving people have to find inheritance tax and VAT is slapped on everything.

Only nowadays we are Robin Hoodless.

Do we need a modern day Robin Hood with his Merry Men to squat in a corner of the local Town Hall or the House of Commons, helping themselves to wine and food from the huge feasts and functions and distributing it to the homeless? Or maybe to set up a squat in the second or third homes of wealthy Members of Parliament, distributing their goods and clothes to those on the streets? Maybe, but it would only be through the viewpoint of history that we would see them as anything but criminals.

The common cold is prevalent in Britain all year but there are probably more cases between October and March. Apparently an untreated cold will last seven days, but with treatment it will last a week .

Through the ages, people have sworn by various cold cures.

Disclaimer:- Try them at your own risk.

The Victorians used to place hot, turpentine dampened cloths on their chests. Let’s hope they didn’t then lie next to a roaring fire.

Many people eat oranges because they contain vitamin C. Clove spiked oranges or lemons were thought to ward off germs, (more important in those days, because germs could be a cold, or the bubonic plague!)

Spread goose grease on brown paper and wear it, grease down, on your chest. Wear a thick vest and an old shirt on top. You won’t get lucky but you might get better.

Chewing pieces of raw onion will help alleviate the symptoms and make sure everyone else stays far enough away not to catch it.

Another remedy suggests putting a clove of garlic between your teeth and your cheek, on either side of your mouth, and bearing it for as long as possible. Change your garlic each time and don’t lend used garlic to anyone else.

Soak your feet in hot water with half a cup of mustard powder for half an hour.
Who knows why.

Mix 4 parts of flour, 1 part of mustard and add water to make it into a thick paste. Rub some warm baby oil on your chest and spread paste on top. Tie long strips of cotton or muslin around your torso, underneath old clothes to ensure the paste remains in place. Nobody is likely to lick it off you so make sure you have a wallpaper scraper nearby, for when it sets.

A well-known cold remedy is chicken broth because it is supposed to contain something that reduces inflammation and mucus production. The vegetarian alternative, cheese and onion soup, does not have the same properties. Who would buy a book entitled ‘Cheese and Onion Soup for the Soul?’

Commonly used and most representative colours of the British.

Red. Post boxes. Old telephone boxes. Chairs and tables in fast food cafes.

White. Faces, bodies, socks and sheep.

Blue. Skin in winter. Moods in winter. Navy anoraks.

Grey. Skies. Ageing white underwear. Pensioners hair. New telephone boxes. New trains.

Brown. Briefcases. Lace up shoes. Dog poo.

Magnolia. Indoor walls in offices, public buildings and new homes.

Dark green. Upper crust Wellingtons. Old trains.

Beige. Most cardigans. Small talk.

Cream. Woolly hats and scarves on teenage girls and elderly women.

Pastels. (Unable to commit to true colour but daring enough to try.) Baby clothes, women’s nightdresses, office walls of organisations who wish to appear dynamic or original by not choosing magnolia.

Arriving at the correct time is considered incredibly important to British people.

If you agree to meet a friend at three, they will be phoning you to find out where you are at two minutes past. They will be annoyed with you when you do finally turn up and whatever excuse you give will not appease them. If you are known for unpunctuality, some friends will start lying to you by telling you an earlier time then the actual time of the arrangement. However if they have gone to all this trouble and you are still late, they will hate you for weeks.

If you are invited for a meal with anybody, they will expect to serve the meal shortly after you arrive and not an hour later. Either they will have to wait for you and serve an overcooked meal for everyone else, or serve everyone and feel embarrassed when you finally arrive when everyone is on their dessert. This will also make them hate you for weeks.

If anybody says ‘sharp’ after any given time, it means that you should be at least ten minutes early and arriving punctually will be considered late. If you are late you will be in such trouble you would be better off feigning illness or creating an amazing excuse and not turning up at all.

Saying ‘7.30 for 8’ for example, means that you should not be earlier than 7.30 but 8pm is the absolute outside time that you can arrive by. Later than this, follow the advice above.

If you invite people around, ask them half an hour later than you originally planned. Most people arrive early which will be annoying when you are not ready.

If you initiate a meeting anywhere do likewise, and for goodness sake don’t be late or you will never ever hear the end of it.

If you are late for church, the service will start without you.
Plays, concerts, movies, sports events and classes will also start without you.

So will weddings and funerals, unless it is your own.

This weekend’s apple festivals are giving us loads of reasons appreciate apples.

Unlike supermarket apples, those from festivals farmer’s markets have not been tested by the roundness inspector and cloned so they all look identical.

Children who say ‘I don’t like apples.’ Can be answered with, ‘No dear you just don’t like Cox’s Orange Pippin, try a Braeburn this time….’ There are so many varieties this can continue until they are adults.

Traditionally ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’ because they are healthy and fat free, provided you don’t put them in pies or make them into cakes, puddings, cider or wine.

Student’s like to give one to their teacher as a present, although this may be a subconscious wish to poison their them, (remember the wicked queen in Snow White.)

Apple foods make good comfort foods. Apple pie, apple strudel, apple sauce, apple dumplings. They put everyone in mind of a rosy faced granny… the original Granny Smith.

Adults fondly remember scrumping apples from orchards. It seemed a shame not to help yourself to free food hanging on branches. Nowadays it would have to be alcopops or i-pods to get kids interested.

A little film to go with yesterday’s post.