To make small talk is to discuss nothing that matters much in the great scheme of things. The trickling conversation creates the illusion of
communication. If you said ‘blah blah blah’ it would make little difference.

The trick is to make trivial comments or ask meaningless questions. Never stray into the dark waters of politics, religion, sex or serious health problems but splash around with subjects such as the weather.

The British will waffle for hours about late buses, dog mess, the price of bread or school uniforms, holiday plans, television programmes or the fact that they saw the other person somewhere yesterday, (despite the fact they are next door neighbours.)

Small talk enables people to keep a stiff upper lip because it does not need great feeling or passion to respond. It is communication without commitment to any type of relationship by either party, enabling perfectly reasonable conversations to take place between people who hate each other.

Those that are useless at it will avoid eye contact at all costs, hunting for lost coins, looking at imaginary helicopters or developing a sudden interest in their fingernails. At social gatherings they lurk in corners looking hunted.

It is best to avoid them because they are liable to say ‘what made you marry that idiot?’ Or ‘I had great sex last night, we did something a little different…..have you ever tried it?’ Or ‘I hate Christians don’t you?’ - usually to a member of the clergy.

Visitors to Britain, trying to make small talk often ask ‘Have you had any weather lately?’ the answer is always yes.

The best way to make small talk if you don’t feel confident is to nod your head and say ‘hmmm,’ or shake it and frown at regular intervals. Nobody will care if you are getting it wrong because the conversation is so meaningless.