The first few mouthfuls of fish and Chips out of paper on a sunny beach, are divine. No fancy restaurant in the world compares with looking at the sea pounding on pebbles with the cry of seagulls and the salty smell of sea air and chips.

Five mouthfuls on and it feels like a great boulder is lodged in your stomach, while your grease lined mouth means that the fish and chips are sliding down like kids on a swimming pool chute, so you eat more and faster than you intended.

Gulls start swooping and landing closer and closer until they are eyeing you menacingly and pecking your ankles. You chuck bits of fish and chips as far away as possible to try to get them to leave you alone.

Passing holidaymakers mutter darkly about the stupidity of feeding the gulls, while said gulls call all their mates. who stalk you as you hurry to the nearest litter bin and throw the rest away. Gulls scream to each other and start fighting and you walk away wishing you had never bothered in the first place.

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British people are motivated to get out of bed in the morning to see what the weather is doing and plan things to say about it because British weather is the most interesting weather in the world.

Weather of any kind always causes chaos. Local and National services are never prepared to deal with it, because it would spoil everyone’s fun.

Rain usually leads to floods because nobody has built proper river defences. This ensures we can all enjoy the sight of people visiting their post office in boats or wading through swamps in their living room.

A fortnight of summer leads to a hose pipe ban so we can sneak on our neighbours when they use a sprinkler on their croquet lawn or potted geraniums. Global warming has encouraged cafés to put chairs and tables outside so we can feel continental while we eat. Unfortunately the food is still crap.

Buildings are not air conditioned but rely on rotating fans to ensure that people keep moving them to the wrong place, ensuring other people sweat like pigs.

In Autumn, trains are delayed by leaves falling onto the line. Nobody wants trees cut back to avoid this because (a)Nobody would have any excuse to be late for work. (b)scientists trying to invent railway tracks that repel leaves would be redundant (c)‘Leaves on the line’ must be the most feeble excuse in the world and we are secretly proud of it.

When the snow arrives (in a remote village in Scotland) pictures of Mr Jones and family abandoning their car are beamed around Britain. We all believe it is just up the road and coming our way. Trains are cancelled, roads are impassible and schools close. This is because railway workers, traffic police and teachers also want to join in as we empty supermarket shelves and stay at home feeling like we are in an old fashioned film - great fun.

When none of the above is happening we wait in the drizzly grey nothingness discussing weather, and hoping that some is on its way.

To make small talk is to discuss nothing that matters much in the great scheme of things. The trickling conversation creates the illusion of
communication. If you said ‘blah blah blah’ it would make little difference.

The trick is to make trivial comments or ask meaningless questions. Never stray into the dark waters of politics, religion, sex or serious health problems but splash around with subjects such as the weather.

The British will waffle for hours about late buses, dog mess, the price of bread or school uniforms, holiday plans, television programmes or the fact that they saw the other person somewhere yesterday, (despite the fact they are next door neighbours.)

Small talk enables people to keep a stiff upper lip because it does not need great feeling or passion to respond. It is communication without commitment to any type of relationship by either party, enabling perfectly reasonable conversations to take place between people who hate each other.

Those that are useless at it will avoid eye contact at all costs, hunting for lost coins, looking at imaginary helicopters or developing a sudden interest in their fingernails. At social gatherings they lurk in corners looking hunted.

It is best to avoid them because they are liable to say ‘what made you marry that idiot?’ Or ‘I had great sex last night, we did something a little different…..have you ever tried it?’ Or ‘I hate Christians don’t you?’ - usually to a member of the clergy.

Visitors to Britain, trying to make small talk often ask ‘Have you had any weather lately?’ the answer is always yes.

The best way to make small talk if you don’t feel confident is to nod your head and say ‘hmmm,’ or shake it and frown at regular intervals. Nobody will care if you are getting it wrong because the conversation is so meaningless.

Standing in Line.
The queue is a means to a beginning, whereby we wait in line to arrive at the place where we can take action. Queuing courtesy is essentially British, and these are the rules.

I can be standing just 2 cm away from the next person, but I do not make eye contact, smile or chat. I must behave as though I am the only person waiting.

Even if I have left the oven on and are in fear of burning my dinner and the house down I must appear as though I have all the time in the world to stand in a line of humans, pretending that I am the only one there.

When it is my turn, I must be nonchalant, as though I would be quite happy to stand for the same length of time again. However if anyone believes me and tries to take my place I can pierce their foot with my stiletto or dig my pointiest elbow into their side.

After my turn I pass all the poor suckers who are still waiting with a huge smirk of satisfaction. I do this without meeting anyone’s eyes.

Exceptions
Only under fives or over sixty’s can show impatience. Under fives may whine, shriek, bawl or kick someone, who because of the ‘I’m really alone here’ rule pretends it has not happened even if in agony. Over sixties can do all of the above as well as hurrumphing loudly and making comments such as ‘you’d think they would have more staff, ’as though they were talking to themselves. This can be dangerous as it creates a shared awareness of the covert cauldron of impatience bubbling away in the atmosphere.

Queue jumpers.
Usually pensioners, their technique is to hover near the front of the line, watching for a possible gap. They lurk safe in the knowledge that nobody will look directly at them. When a gap appears they insert a shoulder and slide in. Alternatively they may drop a shopping bag and hobble into the gap amidst the general flurry and embarrassment of people having to acknowledge each other while gathering scattered cat food. Then they act as though they had always been there. We don’t challenge them because (a) it would mean breaking queue etiquette to converse with someone, (b) to pick on a pensioner would make us such meanies, (c) we’d be showing we are ‘bovvered’…our stiff upper lip says we aint!

These are the opposite of churches. People congregate to drink alcohol and get obnoxious enough to say all the things they really think. Being nasty and aggressive can be blamed on the drink and not them. They wake up with a clean slate, as though having attended confession but without having to love their neighbour or perform good turns.

There is always a busty bar maid at the exact height to enable her boobs to rest on the bar. The unwritten rule is that she wears a low cut top and feels positively insulted if she does not generate a certain amount of sexual innuendo amongst the punters.

There are three main categories of public house.

• Large restaurant pubs run by big breweries with indoor play areas full of plastic shiny balls. The food is hot and damp with breadcrumbs and a salad bar consisting of potato salad, rice, tinned sweet corn and urns of creamy dressings. Parents feed their families and get plastered while the kids wee down the slide and chuck the balls at each other.

• Cosy taverns with log fires where people in villages gather to discuss cattle prices and the barn dance. An ancient local character, who has been coming before any of the staff or regulars were born, always arrives at the same time and drinks from a special tankard. When he arrives everyone goes quiet and listens respectfully while he says ‘oooargh’ or ‘urrrrhahagha’ in case they miss some deep wisdom.

• Pubs with wall sized TV screens showing football matches. Nobody can hear anything so ordering is done by mime. Everyone stares towards the screen with glazed eyes until a goal is scored whereby everybody shouts and waves random muscles in the air as the staff duck. Occasionally there are live bands – ranging from spotty teenagers with jean bottoms hanging off their knees, droning about annn-ar-key, to sixty-year-olds in black and white outfits clattering their teeth to Bill Haley songs.