A Cornish pasty is a circle of puff pastry which is filled and folded in half or has both sides bought to the top and crimped together to make the shape of a dinosaur back.

The worst hold clumps of greasy grey sludge that tastes vaguely meaty without hinting at any animal in particular, with a strong tang of boiled diced onions. The best contain diced fresh vegetables and plenty of steak. Originally they were a Cornish farmer’s lunch – meat vegetables and potato encased in pastry to make it easy to hold and eat all at once. A corner was filled with cooked fruit as desert.

The advantage of a Cornish pasty is that it is a very fast food that can be enjoyed cold or heated in a microwave. It can be eaten with one hand if work demands it. Variations can include vegetarian or curried fillings.

The disadvantage is its weight. However this can be used to advantage by feeding it to your opponent before a race. Pasties for lunch are a good alternative to Ritalin for hyperactive children. They also cause instant constipation, stopping jelly belly immediately – very useful to take on holiday.

They make good doorstops and can be used to smash a car window or a fire alarm in case of emergency. They are useful as exercise weights, to anchor boats or to act as a base for posts or games like swing ball. They also make good stun-gun ammunition for wild animals. The pasty is fired directly into their mouth and makes them so sluggish they don’t care what happens next. It is thought that they could be very useful against an enemy and research is now being done into pasty warfare.