Saturday Night
Drink so much that you can see two of everyone. Pick anybody, (you’ll fancy them all) (a) of the opposite sex if you are heterosexual; (b) of the same sex if you are homosexual; (c) of either sex if you are bi sexual or so plastered you can no longer tell and really don’t mind either way. Get kicked out of the pub at closing time. Stumble to the place of whoever lives nearest. Go to bed and fall instantly asleep. Wake up and wonder where the heck you are, who the heck you’re with and whether the earth moved. If it did you wish you could at least remember. Check them out now that you can see just one of them and either do what neither of you were capable of last night and arrange another date, or slip away as fast as possible and repeat with someone else the following Saturday night.

Library
Lurk in the I.T. area of your local library and ask attractive nerds to explain how to do things on your computer. Sooner or later they will need to see yours or show you theirs. Or sit near those who are studying, preferably in pairs or threes. Try to see what it is they are studying and get a similar book. Find a hard-to-understand paragraph and sigh a lot. The bravest will ask if you need any help and then they will all vie with each other to be the most helpful. Take your pick.

Easy as Chips
Arm yourself with a bag of freshly cooked salted, vinegary chips from a fish and chips shop. Stand near your quarry, wait until they are almost drooling and then offer them one. They will stay chatting at least until they have helped you to finish the chips, giving you plenty of time to ask for a date.

Shelter from the Storm
Carry an umbrella with you whenever rain threatens and find someone you like the look of. Follow them until the rain starts falling when you can fall into step beside them and put your umbrella over their head. Works every time.

Internet Detective
Join a ‘free’ online dating agency and check out local talent. Find out as much as you can and check out any photographs. Don’t bother paying to join so you can send them an email, but send them a wink. If they send one back, lurk around the area they live in the places you now know they frequent. When you spot them start up a conversation about something that interests them and lead them gently and firmly towards your first date. They will be convinced you are their soul mate because you seem to know and understand so much about them. If they bore you to death, repeat the process with someone else.

Love Hooligans
Start an FHA group (Football Hooligans Anonymous.) ‘My names Dave and I am a football hooligan.’ (Clap clap clap.) Mutual support often leads to love, though this plan will probably work best for girls or gays as the group might be bloke heavy  and you need to make sure they want to change their behaviour  unless you fancy  it really really rough!

Tea for Two
Be the one person in your workplace that knows exactly how to make their perfect cup of tea. Marriage or cohabitation, almost guaranteed!