If we had an equivalent of football specifically for women, lets call it fingernailball (well football probably sounded weird at first) with a similar profile, mega pay packets and fingernailball stars with partners whose only claim to fame is to be with them, then women would probably feel more cheerful about football.

There would be the HATS; husbands and toyboys, who would spend their days meeting for coffee, shopping and getting photographed watching their wives and girlfriends playing fingernailball.

There would be fabulously wealthy fingernailball stars who would be bought by fingernailball teams for impossible amounts of money.

Of course there would be a series called ‘fingernailball Husbands’, with major star, Bestbitter involved in lots of partner swapping and lustful intrigues.

Female fingernailball hooligans would be the scourge of Europe as they beat the opposing fingernailball supporters up.

Women would meet at the pub to watch fingernailball on the big screens while their partners stayed home to tend the family. They would devote entire afternoons to watching it on the television with no question as to it taking priority over everything else. A woman’s mood could be gauged according to the fingernailball results and whether her team won, and obviously the whole country would be in mourning if we lost the fingernailball championship.