After the Funeral, Tea.
Strong tea in served in cups with saucers (matching) alongside understated, embarrassed looking food served in small pieces. This is to ensure that even the hungriest eat absent-mindedly, the morsels finding their way into their mouths accidentally.

Builder’s or Workmen’s Tea.
Type a. Made by the householder, willingly at first and offered with biscuits. As the work progresses into weeks and the breaks seem to match the length of the work achieved daily it is offered more and more grudgingly until it is stopped altogether. What they don’t know is that the workmen place bets on who can get the householder to make another cuppa.
Type b. The flask of strong dark syrupy tea fortified with 25 sugars which workmen bring with them, in case they meet a householder that does not offer any and for the days when their goodwill tea making will expires.

Friends’ Tea
Informal tea served in mugs, over such a good chat you don’t notice that you have polished off a plate of biscuits between you.

Meet the Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s parent’s tea.
Weak tea, served in the best china to ensure that the nervousness is accentuated by fear of smashing something. Large biscuits or cake are offered but you have a tiny side plate so you cannot avoid apologising about crumbs. Questions are always asked when you have just taken a bite.

Committee Meeting Tea.
Whether it is served in mugs or cups and whether there are biscuits (even the type of) is the result of an ealier meeting. Somebody always chokes on biscuit crumbs at a crucial moment, usually to make everyone feel bad if the vote has gone against them. Whoever makes tea always makes a racket with the china so that someone else feels obliged to make an offer of help which is refused with great martyrdom.

Community Tea
Served in churches, community halls, or school buildings at jumble sales, fetes and fairs. This is always served through a hatch on pale yellow or bule china. It is never hot but the price includes a biscuit.

Working Tea
The worst cases are those with drinks dispensing machines slopping out tepid grey liquid. The snack crisps or chocolate is usually spat out of another machine. Tea ladies with trolleys are the best; bringing round a great urn with hot, strong tea and a choice of sandwiches and cakes subsidized by the firm so everyone at work is podgy. Others have a kitchen area with a kettle, teabags that everyone chips in for and everybody’s individual mug, bought from home. One is always being used inadvertently by a visitor or new arrival who doesn’t understand the dark looks they are getting from the owner.

Morning Tea
Whereby one partner always makes the other a cuppa in bed and the one crappy thing about being single is having to make your own.

Solitary Tea
Bleary eyed, on your own at the breakfast table, talking yourself into the day with a large mug of tea and lashings of hot buttered toast.

Comfort Tea
At any time of misery or hunger, with an enormous mug, and further lashings of hot buttered toast or biscuits straight from the packet.