Sellers of bird feeders, bird tables bird seed, bird cake and nuts do a roaring trade at this time of year which shows how many are feeding the birds. I have noticed however that it tends to be the over thirties which is worrying because if younger people don’t get into this habit then eventually birds will really suffer in winter.

It would be good if schools had a bird table and children fed the birds in winter. They could watch and identify them through the window - what a great lesson in nature and responsibility and kindness. It would teach more than having a class hamster. Feeding something you own is on your terms, you benefit by being able to watch it, play with it and pet it, but when you feed wildlife whether they even take your food and whether you see them is on theirs.

I’m not saying class pets don’t teach something, only that feeding wildlife teaches an unconditional kindness and I hope that if children grow up feeding the birds it will never die out.

Little words are often powerful. For instance consider the word ‘but’ and how it changes everything.

Darling I’ve won the lottery, but it was only fifty pounds.

I do love you but I’ve been seeing someone else.

It suits you but it looks a bit tight.

Your work is excellent but we are going to have to let you go.

You have gone to so much trouble, but I forgot to say I’m a vegan.

I’d love to see you again, but I’m married.

I’ve got the money I owe you, but may I borrow it again?

I’m not being nasty but….I am actually just about to be really nasty

I took the dog out, but I forgot to bring him back again.

I was going to buy you a present but I didn’t have enough money.

I don’t want to tell tales but..blah blah….tales!

I’d like to help but….i’m not going to!

Your child is very bright but too lazy to do any work.

You are very attractive but I don’t fancy you.

I would have been puncual but I ran out of time.

I would have done more of these but ran out of ideas.

http://www.fotosearch.com/RTF001/57539313/

Traditionally the family sat around for a meal of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, lamb, with mint sauce, pork and apple sauce or a fat roast chicken with sage and onion stuffing. There would be rich gravy made from the meat or chicken juices, roast potatoes and mash. The vegetables would include overcooked carrots and cabbage, mashed with butter and white pepper. The main course would be followed by a substantial pudding such as apple pie, or steamed sponge with custard. There would be plenty of chat and laughter followed by a ‘nice cup of tea’ and then some gardening, outdoor games or perhaps a family walk.

Nowadays the Sunday roast is usually pub based. The nicer meals are found at village pubs, where they try to emulate the traditional family roast by providing similar. Unfortunately the neat servings of piping hot food have that slightly shiny flavour of microwave. Families can sit around and chat, albeit more generally and self consciously than normal, because of the awareness that they aren’t in the privacy of their own home.

Then there are the huge brewery chains that offer ‘traditional Sunday roasts’ as part of a carvery,in a ‘child friendly’ environment. This means that they have an indoor and outdoor play area and high chairs. Families can choose from a selection of roast meat, vegetables, potatoes and gravy, from the servery where the food is kept hot for so long so that it tastes of biscuit.

Children don’t want to sit around talking to the parents when they could be playing in the designated areas, especially as they have usually had a fizzy drink and are spinning off the walls. The non-driving parent/partner/family friend takes advantage of the fact that the kids are occupied and they are in a pub, and gets sloshed while the other gets more annoyed because they can’t. By the time they are ready to go the kids have to be dragged away protesting so both parents get furious with them as well as each other. The rest of the day is spent recovering from the effects of the meal, whether fizzy, alcoholic or resentful.

Thank goodness the Welsh Assembly has had the compassion and good sense to ban electric dog training collars but many people will have been unaware that these things are in operation and legal in the first place.

Why have the Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty to animals, not been lobbying the Government, campaigning, highlighting their existence in the press and doing every thing in their power to outlaw them rather than the feeble ‘warm welcome’ that they have given to the news and a feeble ‘calling to the Government in England to extend the ban here?’

The collars deliver a painful shock, in the neck, to a dog who misbehaves despite the fact that dogs don’t deliberately do wrong. Those that are using them ought to try them and see how they feel if they get a pain in the neck every time they make a mistake, swear or annoy anybody.

Politicians should wear them and get a shock every time they don’t give a straight answer to a question.

Football shirts could have one sewn into the neck, which gives a nasty shock every time the wearer’s behaviour edges towards hooliganism.

Z list stars would have to wear one to get their picture taken, but also get a shock when the camera goes off. This will stop them wanting too much publicity and the public from seeing too much of them.

Pub goers who have had enough could be shocked into leaving and drunks could be shocked before they get to the stage that they pass out.

They could be incorporated as part of a seat belt and automatically deliver a shock Collars every time somebody exceeded the speed limit, jumped a red light or parked illegally.

Instead of tagging criminals, just fit them with a shock collar to control them.

Vicars’ dog collars could have the shock facility to cut the sermon down to size

In fact rather than extending the ban for electric dog collars to the whole of Britain, the Government might do away with all the spy cameras and have every British citizen fitted with one so they can just zap anyone who steps out of line, says things that aren’t politically correct, protests, votes for the opposition…

It used to be Eastbourne, closely followed by Worthing, that had the reputation for being heavily populated with elderly people, though many of them seem to be suffering from some kind of delusional dementia as they sit in deck chairs along the prom in the rain, wind or snow congratulating each other that they are living on the sunshine coast.

As life expectancy increases in the Western world, Britain itself seems to be heaving with elderly people who are no longer confined to their usual habitats ; community centres, bingo halls, churches, bus stops and the Co-op, but can be found in internet fogeying at libraries, or in gyms, pubs and even nightclubs.

In supermarkets they lurk around using their newly acquired mobile phones like the geriatric mafia.
‘Im in front of the baked beans.’
‘Good work Mavis.’
‘What shall I do now?’
‘Select the cheapest brand, place it in your basket and proceed to aisle F, pet food.’
‘Roger.’
‘….Who’s Roger?’

Despite all their life and business experience, the only jobs that they get are in budget or DIY stores where they are not even excused from wearing the grimly coloured uniforms or round fat cheesy name badges.

What next? Maybe they could swim around a pool at theme parks and have a hook on the back of their costumes so kids can ‘grab a gran.’ The chubby ones could be used as door stops and the skinny ones could lie along the gap at the bottom of doors, as draught excluders.

Saturday Night
Drink so much that you can see two of everyone. Pick anybody, (you’ll fancy them all) (a) of the opposite sex if you are heterosexual; (b) of the same sex if you are homosexual; (c) of either sex if you are bi sexual or so plastered you can no longer tell and really don’t mind either way. Get kicked out of the pub at closing time. Stumble to the place of whoever lives nearest. Go to bed and fall instantly asleep. Wake up and wonder where the heck you are, who the heck you’re with and whether the earth moved. If it did you wish you could at least remember. Check them out now that you can see just one of them and either do what neither of you were capable of last night and arrange another date, or slip away as fast as possible and repeat with someone else the following Saturday night.

Library
Lurk in the I.T. area of your local library and ask attractive nerds to explain how to do things on your computer. Sooner or later they will need to see yours or show you theirs. Or sit near those who are studying, preferably in pairs or threes. Try to see what it is they are studying and get a similar book. Find a hard-to-understand paragraph and sigh a lot. The bravest will ask if you need any help and then they will all vie with each other to be the most helpful. Take your pick.

Easy as Chips
Arm yourself with a bag of freshly cooked salted, vinegary chips from a fish and chips shop. Stand near your quarry, wait until they are almost drooling and then offer them one. They will stay chatting at least until they have helped you to finish the chips, giving you plenty of time to ask for a date.

Shelter from the Storm
Carry an umbrella with you whenever rain threatens and find someone you like the look of. Follow them until the rain starts falling when you can fall into step beside them and put your umbrella over their head. Works every time.

Internet Detective
Join a ‘free’ online dating agency and check out local talent. Find out as much as you can and check out any photographs. Don’t bother paying to join so you can send them an email, but send them a wink. If they send one back, lurk around the area they live in the places you now know they frequent. When you spot them start up a conversation about something that interests them and lead them gently and firmly towards your first date. They will be convinced you are their soul mate because you seem to know and understand so much about them. If they bore you to death, repeat the process with someone else.

Love Hooligans
Start an FHA group (Football Hooligans Anonymous.) ‘My names Dave and I am a football hooligan.’ (Clap clap clap.) Mutual support often leads to love, though this plan will probably work best for girls or gays as the group might be bloke heavy  and you need to make sure they want to change their behaviour  unless you fancy  it really really rough!

Tea for Two
Be the one person in your workplace that knows exactly how to make their perfect cup of tea. Marriage or cohabitation, almost guaranteed!

The old slam door trains had separate first class carriages with doors that closed and smart white antimacassars on the seats. The ticket collector would hover apologetically in the doorway and stamp tickets with great respect. First class travellers thought their journey worth the expense of a comfortable, secluded carriage. If they found themselves sharing, they would not be exposed to bad language or farting, because it would be wtih genteel individuals with expensive smells who read or snoozed quietly.

The new trains have first class areas too; but because of Equal Opportunities (I assume) are barely different from the rest of the train. Plenty of standard class travellers sit unwittingly in first class and even the ticket collector does not notice the difference without checking the signs on the windows first.

“Madam you are sitting in an area reserved for first class travellers. Kindly move over there (to other end of same carriage) or pay an extra four pounds fifty for your journey.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t notice…um…over there looks exactly the same as it is here. What does the extra charge pay for?
“Well madam um, we have these white things called antimacassars on the seats so that you don’t get the dirt from other travellers on your head,”
“Oh.”
A pause.
“Is that it?”
“Oh no, Madam. As you can see you are separate from the second class area.”
“How? There is no door. Oh you mean that little gap in the middle of the carriage? On that basis second class areas are also separate from each other,”
Desperately; “Well…It’s smaller, cosier.”
“Or just has less room. In fact there is not one inch of extra foot room, there are exactly the same uncomfortable chairs, and not even a door to close for some privacy, peace and quiet!. In fact no difference at all!”
“Apart from the antimaca…”
“…Yes apart from those. So is there any purpose in moving or any value in paying an extra four pounds and fifty pence? “
“Um…enjoy your trip Madam.”
“I rest my case.”

The only real advantage to first class is that you won’t inadvertently find yourself in bottom class; reading quietly one minute and stuck in the middle of a toilet the next. If anyone wants to use it they press a button which slides the door panel back to reveal the person inside. The fortunate ones are caught washing their hands.

I watched a couple of teenagers asking questions and trying to be facetious to a man selling poppies.

“What’s the use of a plastic flower?” they asked.

”It’s to remind us of all those that gave their lives in the war,” he replied.

“So how’s a plastic flower going to do that?”

“The poppy is a symbol. The red is the blood they shed and the flower for how fragile life is.”

“And the plastic for what a crappy idea it is’ one of the boys said.

“Some of them were younger than you. They went to war believing that they would fight for their country and come back, but they drowned in ditches, covered in mud or got shot as they ran towards the enemy. They couldn’t back out; those that did were shot as deserters.”

“Well it was a long time ago mate. Move on,” one boy said. But the other put fifty pence in and took a poppy.

”You’re not going to wear a flower? ‘the other asked incredulously.

“Why not? It’s not much to ask really,” the other one replied and put it in his buttonhole.

The poppy seller looked as though he could kiss him while the other boy sighed, shook his head but then put ten pence in the tin.

‘I don’t want one’ he said gruffly when the man offered a poppy.

“Thank you,” the seller said.

“No, it’s thank them really,” the boy said. “But I’m still not wearing a bloody flower.”

A Cornish pasty is a circle of puff pastry which is filled and folded in half or has both sides bought to the top and crimped together to make the shape of a dinosaur back.

The worst hold clumps of greasy grey sludge that tastes vaguely meaty without hinting at any animal in particular, with a strong tang of boiled diced onions. The best contain diced fresh vegetables and plenty of steak. Originally they were a Cornish farmer’s lunch – meat vegetables and potato encased in pastry to make it easy to hold and eat all at once. A corner was filled with cooked fruit as desert.

The advantage of a Cornish pasty is that it is a very fast food that can be enjoyed cold or heated in a microwave. It can be eaten with one hand if work demands it. Variations can include vegetarian or curried fillings.

The disadvantage is its weight. However this can be used to advantage by feeding it to your opponent before a race. Pasties for lunch are a good alternative to Ritalin for hyperactive children. They also cause instant constipation, stopping jelly belly immediately – very useful to take on holiday.

They make good doorstops and can be used to smash a car window or a fire alarm in case of emergency. They are useful as exercise weights, to anchor boats or to act as a base for posts or games like swing ball. They also make good stun-gun ammunition for wild animals. The pasty is fired directly into their mouth and makes them so sluggish they don’t care what happens next. It is thought that they could be very useful against an enemy and research is now being done into pasty warfare.