Too many grottos, fetes and stores have a Saggy Santa in a cheap costume with a beard that looks like somebody has stuck on a piece of cotton wool

When my children were young enough to believe in him I knew they wouldn’t be fooled by these fake Santas and always told them that the real one was busy in Lapland and these were just helpers, standing in for him while he got the gifts made and the reindeer ready for their epic journey.

Still a sub standard Santa takes away some of the Christmas magic. Those wishing to work as Santa over the Christmas season should have a special Santa license which can only be obtained by passing the following criteria.

• Rosy cheeks.
• Pleasantly plump and cuddly with a round fat belly.
• A real white beard and moustache or a realistic one that suits the wearers face.
• Twinkly eyes.
• Laughter lines (showing a cheerful nature.)
• A deep resounding ‘ho ho ho.’

Costumes provided by the management should be thick, and cosy and NOT cheap
brushed nylon efforts.

Instant failure will result, and working Santas will lose their license for the following:-

• Stinking of alcohol or tobacco.
• Moaning or acting moody or miserable in any way.
• A mouth that habitually turns downwards.
• Thin or lanky body.
• Reedy or weedy voice.
• Bony lap.
• Half hearted ‘ho ho ho.’