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Tenacious Fighters. Once they have their teeth into something they don’t let go.
Jamie Oliver. Bob Geldof. Margaret Thatcher.

Funny and can be Ridiculous.
Sarah Ferguson. Ken Dodd, Cherie Blair.

Great with the Elderly and Children.
Princes Harry and William, The Krankies, Simon Cowell –NOT!

Slow.
Gordon Brown, David Beckham.

Fat and Ugly yet Strangely Attractive.
Dawn French, Matt Lucas, Father Christmas.

Slow to Mature.
Chris Evans, Tony Blair, Mick Jagger.

Tendency to Dribble
Hugh Grant, Jade Goody, Ozzy Osbourne

Prone to Health Problems
Elizabeth Taylor, Kate Moss (hers is called Pete Doherty.)

Arriving at the correct time is considered incredibly important to British people.

If you agree to meet a friend at three, they will be phoning you to find out where you are at two minutes past. They will be annoyed with you when you do finally turn up and whatever excuse you give will not appease them. If you are known for unpunctuality, some friends will start lying to you by telling you an earlier time then the actual time of the arrangement. However if they have gone to all this trouble and you are still late, they will hate you for weeks.

If you are invited for a meal with anybody, they will expect to serve the meal shortly after you arrive and not an hour later. Either they will have to wait for you and serve an overcooked meal for everyone else, or serve everyone and feel embarrassed when you finally arrive when everyone is on their dessert. This will also make them hate you for weeks.

If anybody says ‘sharp’ after any given time, it means that you should be at least ten minutes early and arriving punctually will be considered late. If you are late you will be in such trouble you would be better off feigning illness or creating an amazing excuse and not turning up at all.

Saying ‘7.30 for 8’ for example, means that you should not be earlier than 7.30 but 8pm is the absolute outside time that you can arrive by. Later than this, follow the advice above.

If you invite people around, ask them half an hour later than you originally planned. Most people arrive early which will be annoying when you are not ready.

If you initiate a meeting anywhere do likewise, and for goodness sake don’t be late or you will never ever hear the end of it.

If you are late for church, the service will start without you.
Plays, concerts, movies, sports events and classes will also start without you.

So will weddings and funerals, unless it is your own.

To make small talk is to discuss nothing that matters much in the great scheme of things. The trickling conversation creates the illusion of
communication. If you said ‘blah blah blah’ it would make little difference.

The trick is to make trivial comments or ask meaningless questions. Never stray into the dark waters of politics, religion, sex or serious health problems but splash around with subjects such as the weather.

The British will waffle for hours about late buses, dog mess, the price of bread or school uniforms, holiday plans, television programmes or the fact that they saw the other person somewhere yesterday, (despite the fact they are next door neighbours.)

Small talk enables people to keep a stiff upper lip because it does not need great feeling or passion to respond. It is communication without commitment to any type of relationship by either party, enabling perfectly reasonable conversations to take place between people who hate each other.

Those that are useless at it will avoid eye contact at all costs, hunting for lost coins, looking at imaginary helicopters or developing a sudden interest in their fingernails. At social gatherings they lurk in corners looking hunted.

It is best to avoid them because they are liable to say ‘what made you marry that idiot?’ Or ‘I had great sex last night, we did something a little different…..have you ever tried it?’ Or ‘I hate Christians don’t you?’ - usually to a member of the clergy.

Visitors to Britain, trying to make small talk often ask ‘Have you had any weather lately?’ the answer is always yes.

The best way to make small talk if you don’t feel confident is to nod your head and say ‘hmmm,’ or shake it and frown at regular intervals. Nobody will care if you are getting it wrong because the conversation is so meaningless.

Standing in Line.
The queue is a means to a beginning, whereby we wait in line to arrive at the place where we can take action. Queuing courtesy is essentially British, and these are the rules.

I can be standing just 2 cm away from the next person, but I do not make eye contact, smile or chat. I must behave as though I am the only person waiting.

Even if I have left the oven on and are in fear of burning my dinner and the house down I must appear as though I have all the time in the world to stand in a line of humans, pretending that I am the only one there.

When it is my turn, I must be nonchalant, as though I would be quite happy to stand for the same length of time again. However if anyone believes me and tries to take my place I can pierce their foot with my stiletto or dig my pointiest elbow into their side.

After my turn I pass all the poor suckers who are still waiting with a huge smirk of satisfaction. I do this without meeting anyone’s eyes.

Exceptions
Only under fives or over sixty’s can show impatience. Under fives may whine, shriek, bawl or kick someone, who because of the ‘I’m really alone here’ rule pretends it has not happened even if in agony. Over sixties can do all of the above as well as hurrumphing loudly and making comments such as ‘you’d think they would have more staff, ’as though they were talking to themselves. This can be dangerous as it creates a shared awareness of the covert cauldron of impatience bubbling away in the atmosphere.

Queue jumpers.
Usually pensioners, their technique is to hover near the front of the line, watching for a possible gap. They lurk safe in the knowledge that nobody will look directly at them. When a gap appears they insert a shoulder and slide in. Alternatively they may drop a shopping bag and hobble into the gap amidst the general flurry and embarrassment of people having to acknowledge each other while gathering scattered cat food. Then they act as though they had always been there. We don’t challenge them because (a) it would mean breaking queue etiquette to converse with someone, (b) to pick on a pensioner would make us such meanies, (c) we’d be showing we are ‘bovvered’…our stiff upper lip says we aint!