Sellers of bird feeders, bird tables bird seed, bird cake and nuts do a roaring trade at this time of year which shows how many are feeding the birds. I have noticed however that it tends to be the over thirties which is worrying because if younger people don’t get into this habit then eventually birds will really suffer in winter.

It would be good if schools had a bird table and children fed the birds in winter. They could watch and identify them through the window - what a great lesson in nature and responsibility and kindness. It would teach more than having a class hamster. Feeding something you own is on your terms, you benefit by being able to watch it, play with it and pet it, but when you feed wildlife whether they even take your food and whether you see them is on theirs.

I’m not saying class pets don’t teach something, only that feeding wildlife teaches an unconditional kindness and I hope that if children grow up feeding the birds it will never die out.

http://www.fotosearch.com/RTF001/57539313/

Traditionally the family sat around for a meal of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, lamb, with mint sauce, pork and apple sauce or a fat roast chicken with sage and onion stuffing. There would be rich gravy made from the meat or chicken juices, roast potatoes and mash. The vegetables would include overcooked carrots and cabbage, mashed with butter and white pepper. The main course would be followed by a substantial pudding such as apple pie, or steamed sponge with custard. There would be plenty of chat and laughter followed by a ‘nice cup of tea’ and then some gardening, outdoor games or perhaps a family walk.

Nowadays the Sunday roast is usually pub based. The nicer meals are found at village pubs, where they try to emulate the traditional family roast by providing similar. Unfortunately the neat servings of piping hot food have that slightly shiny flavour of microwave. Families can sit around and chat, albeit more generally and self consciously than normal, because of the awareness that they aren’t in the privacy of their own home.

Then there are the huge brewery chains that offer ‘traditional Sunday roasts’ as part of a carvery,in a ‘child friendly’ environment. This means that they have an indoor and outdoor play area and high chairs. Families can choose from a selection of roast meat, vegetables, potatoes and gravy, from the servery where the food is kept hot for so long so that it tastes of biscuit.

Children don’t want to sit around talking to the parents when they could be playing in the designated areas, especially as they have usually had a fizzy drink and are spinning off the walls. The non-driving parent/partner/family friend takes advantage of the fact that the kids are occupied and they are in a pub, and gets sloshed while the other gets more annoyed because they can’t. By the time they are ready to go the kids have to be dragged away protesting so both parents get furious with them as well as each other. The rest of the day is spent recovering from the effects of the meal, whether fizzy, alcoholic or resentful.

A Cornish pasty is a circle of puff pastry which is filled and folded in half or has both sides bought to the top and crimped together to make the shape of a dinosaur back.

The worst hold clumps of greasy grey sludge that tastes vaguely meaty without hinting at any animal in particular, with a strong tang of boiled diced onions. The best contain diced fresh vegetables and plenty of steak. Originally they were a Cornish farmer’s lunch – meat vegetables and potato encased in pastry to make it easy to hold and eat all at once. A corner was filled with cooked fruit as desert.

The advantage of a Cornish pasty is that it is a very fast food that can be enjoyed cold or heated in a microwave. It can be eaten with one hand if work demands it. Variations can include vegetarian or curried fillings.

The disadvantage is its weight. However this can be used to advantage by feeding it to your opponent before a race. Pasties for lunch are a good alternative to Ritalin for hyperactive children. They also cause instant constipation, stopping jelly belly immediately – very useful to take on holiday.

They make good doorstops and can be used to smash a car window or a fire alarm in case of emergency. They are useful as exercise weights, to anchor boats or to act as a base for posts or games like swing ball. They also make good stun-gun ammunition for wild animals. The pasty is fired directly into their mouth and makes them so sluggish they don’t care what happens next. It is thought that they could be very useful against an enemy and research is now being done into pasty warfare.

To destroy the myth that the British can’t cook. Yorkshire pudding exports will ensure Britain is renowned for fine traditional cuisine. French restaurants will introduce Snail in the Pail, (Yorkshire pud.) In Sweden, Smorgasboards will serve Yorkshire Puds with various fillings while Germans will enjoy Kröte-in der-Höhle with Bratwurst.

To ensure Equal Opportunities.
Exporting them to France will ensure French women get curves and suffer ‘fat days’ like the rest of us.

For Multiple Uses across Mainland Europe.
In Switzerland giant Yorkshires become sledges. The Mafia will use them as gun silencers. Spanish will combine lunch and siesta by using them as pillows.
Supplies of the mixture would be on standby to bake into boats during floods, and as snack housing for refugees and asylum seekers.

To Introduce Edible fashion.
French and Italian designers, inspired by the texture and pliability of Yorkshire Pudding will create edible hats, shoes and handbags. ‘Yorkshire pudding Bras’ will become the biggest fashion item since the polka dot bikini.

To Conform to EU Regulations on Size and Shape.
Yorkshire puddings made in muffin tins, would easily conform, but rogue puddings could be used as safe play surfaces for children’s playgrounds.

To Give Them all a Mouthful.
‘Yarksha Poooodun’, ‘Yaksva Putin,’ ‘Yorksimmisso Puddingella’, ‘Yookshear Pooden’. ‘Yolkshare Pardon?’

To Foster Good Relations between Britain and Europe.
Images of a French man in a beret on a bicycle, with bunches of Yorkshire puddings replacing onions will delight Britain and create harmonious British/French relations. An Ambassador of puddings will lead the EU and leaders will discuss European affairs around the ‘Peace Pudding.’

To Replace the Eurovision Song Contest with a Eurovision Pudding Contest. Of course Britain’s entry will always be voted the winner!