We don’t have the best reputation for cooking but we certainly have an obsession with food.

Every time I turn the TV on there is somebody cooking, demonstrating cookery, teaching somebody else to cook, competing in cookery competitions or celebrity chefs promoting supermarkets.

We have wide chefs, country cooks, open air chefs, la-de-da cooks, bad mouthed chefs and sexy cooks. They all have unlimited funds and time with which to produce their amazingly original recipes which look so easy to accomplish in theory and are almost impossible to attain in practice.

Gordon Ramsay would get a following without food, just by doing his ranting and swearing routine. For Nigella, any accessory would work as well as food for her to ooze and drool over, while Jamie O is so enthusiastic people would be hanging on his every word if he was chucking black beetles into lightly fried cowpats.

Supermarkets now offer ‘ideas cookery cards,’ in case we’ve shoved random products in our trolleys with no idea as to how we might cook and serve them.

Meanwhile the country is heaving with sub standard food served in the pubs, restaurants and fast food joints that need the advice from these chefs and never take it. Still everybody is obviously buying food from them and going home to eat it while watching a superchef programme, so maybe watching good food compensates a bit for eating crap food. Who knows?

I went to the supermarket this morning and was shocked to find that there is a national food shortage.
Appearances are deceptive because the shelves, freezers and refrigerators seem to be heaving with delights especially created for the Christmas period, such as the ‘Extra Special’ ranges, birds within birds or liver pate with cranberry and orange.

Obviously they have been laden with the last of the food because hoards of people are squashed into every aisle, piling their trolleys up so that they survive the forthcoming famine.

People who currently roll in to the stores well insulated with extra flesh, against the winter frosts are stocking up to ensure that they will be one of the survivors.

Exactly when the stocks will run out, is slightly unclear but from the heaving rush of people it cannot be far away.

Not only are people stocking up with foods but they are elbowing others out of the way to grasp bargains that have ten pence knocked off.

Manic Christmas music is played continuously on an endless loop which is designed to calm people down but which in actual fact adds to the general panic.

Drivers who have filled their cars with provisions try to escape as fast as possible before they get waylaid and mugged by the starving. This is leading to frequent cases of car park rage.

Still it will soon be Christmas and the season of goodwill!

I went to the theatre recently, and everybody stood up for the National Anthem. They only played the first verse but here it is in full, together with the modern interpretation.

1. God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us;
God save the Queen!
(YEAH WE HAVE A QUEEN. GOOD ON HER.)

2. O Lord our God arise,
Scatter her enemies
And make them fall;
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
God save us all.

(DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GET TO HER)

3. Thy choicest gifts in store
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign;
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Queen!
(GIVE HER LOTS OF DOSH, LET HER LIVE TILL SHE’S OLD
AND SHE’LL STICK UP FOR US ALL.)

4. Not in this land alone,
But be God’s mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world over.
(ANTI WAR SENTIMENT)

5. From every latent foe,
From the assassins blow,
God save the Queen!
O’er her thine arm extend,
For Britain’s sake defend,
Our mother, prince, and friend,
God save the Queen!

(PICK ON ME, I’LL TELL THE QUEEN

AND SHE’LL GETCHA!)

6. Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush.
God save the Queen!

(ERM…CAN WE WIN EVERYTHING,

AVOID FLOODS, AND BEAT THE SCOTTISH AT RUGBY

AND FOOTBALL AND TOSSING THE KABER?)

Thirty odd years ago everyone would stand proudly and bellow the verses lustily. Now some are surprised to hear it and to be expected to stand, and although everyone complied there was a sense of avoiding eye contact and feeling embarrassed. Despite the flaws in the Royal family we are incredibly fortunate to have our Queen and many won’t realise it until she has gone. She has given her all.

After the Funeral, Tea.
Strong tea in served in cups with saucers (matching) alongside understated, embarrassed looking food served in small pieces. This is to ensure that even the hungriest eat absent-mindedly, the morsels finding their way into their mouths accidentally.

Builder’s or Workmen’s Tea.
Type a. Made by the householder, willingly at first and offered with biscuits. As the work progresses into weeks and the breaks seem to match the length of the work achieved daily it is offered more and more grudgingly until it is stopped altogether. What they don’t know is that the workmen place bets on who can get the householder to make another cuppa.
Type b. The flask of strong dark syrupy tea fortified with 25 sugars which workmen bring with them, in case they meet a householder that does not offer any and for the days when their goodwill tea making will expires.

Friends’ Tea
Informal tea served in mugs, over such a good chat you don’t notice that you have polished off a plate of biscuits between you.

Meet the Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s parent’s tea.
Weak tea, served in the best china to ensure that the nervousness is accentuated by fear of smashing something. Large biscuits or cake are offered but you have a tiny side plate so you cannot avoid apologising about crumbs. Questions are always asked when you have just taken a bite.

Committee Meeting Tea.
Whether it is served in mugs or cups and whether there are biscuits (even the type of) is the result of an ealier meeting. Somebody always chokes on biscuit crumbs at a crucial moment, usually to make everyone feel bad if the vote has gone against them. Whoever makes tea always makes a racket with the china so that someone else feels obliged to make an offer of help which is refused with great martyrdom.

Community Tea
Served in churches, community halls, or school buildings at jumble sales, fetes and fairs. This is always served through a hatch on pale yellow or bule china. It is never hot but the price includes a biscuit.

Working Tea
The worst cases are those with drinks dispensing machines slopping out tepid grey liquid. The snack crisps or chocolate is usually spat out of another machine. Tea ladies with trolleys are the best; bringing round a great urn with hot, strong tea and a choice of sandwiches and cakes subsidized by the firm so everyone at work is podgy. Others have a kitchen area with a kettle, teabags that everyone chips in for and everybody’s individual mug, bought from home. One is always being used inadvertently by a visitor or new arrival who doesn’t understand the dark looks they are getting from the owner.

Morning Tea
Whereby one partner always makes the other a cuppa in bed and the one crappy thing about being single is having to make your own.

Solitary Tea
Bleary eyed, on your own at the breakfast table, talking yourself into the day with a large mug of tea and lashings of hot buttered toast.

Comfort Tea
At any time of misery or hunger, with an enormous mug, and further lashings of hot buttered toast or biscuits straight from the packet.

The Government.
Unlimited moan fodder on a daily basis.

Our Partner
Habits, lack of romance, dull sex.

Weather.
We moan about the cold but on warm days worry about global warming. When it rains it’s miserable but when it doesn’t we worry and hose pipe bans are put in place. We are never prepared for radical weather like snow or gales.

Money.
Mortgage rates, pensions, credit cards, debts. Not having enough, or other people having too much.

Health
The reason that the question ‘how are you?’ was invented. ‘Fine’ is the wrong answer. Then there is the state of the National Health Service, hospital superbugs, low paid nurses, highly paid doctors.

Bad Service.
Restaurants, shops, garages, post offices, mail order companies. Is bad service really more common than good service or do we just notice it more?

Reality TV Shows.
We have to watch the shows to get to know the best characters to moan about.

Neighbours
Nosiness, noise, pets or children, they’re bound to be guilty of something.

Kids
They have everything we had nothing. Ungratefulness. Noise.

Mobile Phones
Noise. Noise. Noise.

While it is vital that those that are genuinely incapable of work receive the financial support they need; ‘the argument of the libertarian right against the welfare state is that it provides a massive disincentive to work’.  It is well documented that we are seen as country that offers ‘free money.’ However, it is easy to get into a cycle of depression so that when you have  been out to work for a while, you lose confidence, and the will to do find a job.  For those receiving job seekers allowance and those with disabilities and illnesses where they can do something, why not make the money conditional on doing voluntary work?   

Volunteers are needed in so many areas, that there will be a role to suit every taste, giving the claimant plenty of choice.   This would enable them to meet people, make friends and increase their skills while maintaining a role in society so that they would be more likely to find life fulfilling and enjoyable.  It also looks better on a CV to have done something rather than nothing. 

Some posts could have a bonus or commission payment attached which would increase motivation and add the reward factor!

Area Store Wet floor eradicators.  Why do so many stores leave the wet floor and put these signs in place.  They need somebody on call with a walky talky to dash from store to store and deal with the mess.

Charity shop laundering technician.  This will makes sure  the clothes are clean and sweet smelling so the stores lose their musty odour and sell more goods.

Bag police.   Their mission - to lurk in stores at every checkout muttering ‘do you really need that plastic bag?’

Fast Food Trash Busters.  To collect all the rubbish deposited in the street and return it to the original outlet, dumping it in the middle of the floor when they are open, or posting it through the door or piling it up outside when closed.

Okay, joke!  But there are many vital and interesting roles:- giving carers respite, youth work, hospital radio, conservation, advice, support for the elderly, helping in schools……etc.

Apart from money rewards for extra work could be to get on a top priority list to be selected for TV talk or quiz shows, or even (if they must) reality TV.

Sellers of bird feeders, bird tables bird seed, bird cake and nuts do a roaring trade at this time of year which shows how many are feeding the birds. I have noticed however that it tends to be the over thirties which is worrying because if younger people don’t get into this habit then eventually birds will really suffer in winter.

It would be good if schools had a bird table and children fed the birds in winter. They could watch and identify them through the window - what a great lesson in nature and responsibility and kindness. It would teach more than having a class hamster. Feeding something you own is on your terms, you benefit by being able to watch it, play with it and pet it, but when you feed wildlife whether they even take your food and whether you see them is on theirs.

I’m not saying class pets don’t teach something, only that feeding wildlife teaches an unconditional kindness and I hope that if children grow up feeding the birds it will never die out.

Little words are often powerful. For instance consider the word ‘but’ and how it changes everything.

Darling I’ve won the lottery, but it was only fifty pounds.

I do love you but I’ve been seeing someone else.

It suits you but it looks a bit tight.

Your work is excellent but we are going to have to let you go.

You have gone to so much trouble, but I forgot to say I’m a vegan.

I’d love to see you again, but I’m married.

I’ve got the money I owe you, but may I borrow it again?

I’m not being nasty but….I am actually just about to be really nasty

I took the dog out, but I forgot to bring him back again.

I was going to buy you a present but I didn’t have enough money.

I don’t want to tell tales but..blah blah….tales!

I’d like to help but….i’m not going to!

Your child is very bright but too lazy to do any work.

You are very attractive but I don’t fancy you.

I would have been puncual but I ran out of time.

I would have done more of these but ran out of ideas.

http://www.fotosearch.com/RTF001/57539313/

Traditionally the family sat around for a meal of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, lamb, with mint sauce, pork and apple sauce or a fat roast chicken with sage and onion stuffing. There would be rich gravy made from the meat or chicken juices, roast potatoes and mash. The vegetables would include overcooked carrots and cabbage, mashed with butter and white pepper. The main course would be followed by a substantial pudding such as apple pie, or steamed sponge with custard. There would be plenty of chat and laughter followed by a ‘nice cup of tea’ and then some gardening, outdoor games or perhaps a family walk.

Nowadays the Sunday roast is usually pub based. The nicer meals are found at village pubs, where they try to emulate the traditional family roast by providing similar. Unfortunately the neat servings of piping hot food have that slightly shiny flavour of microwave. Families can sit around and chat, albeit more generally and self consciously than normal, because of the awareness that they aren’t in the privacy of their own home.

Then there are the huge brewery chains that offer ‘traditional Sunday roasts’ as part of a carvery,in a ‘child friendly’ environment. This means that they have an indoor and outdoor play area and high chairs. Families can choose from a selection of roast meat, vegetables, potatoes and gravy, from the servery where the food is kept hot for so long so that it tastes of biscuit.

Children don’t want to sit around talking to the parents when they could be playing in the designated areas, especially as they have usually had a fizzy drink and are spinning off the walls. The non-driving parent/partner/family friend takes advantage of the fact that the kids are occupied and they are in a pub, and gets sloshed while the other gets more annoyed because they can’t. By the time they are ready to go the kids have to be dragged away protesting so both parents get furious with them as well as each other. The rest of the day is spent recovering from the effects of the meal, whether fizzy, alcoholic or resentful.