Some people prefer margarine and others prefer butter. I dislike margarine because its texture and colour is supposed to emulate butter and yet it is nothing like butter. The ‘buttery taste’ copies are not butter like, they are just a smudge nearer than ordinary margarine.

Vegetarian bacon, burgers or sausages should not really exist at all because there is no such thing. They also taste nothing like the meat they are emulating but vegetarians have no basis for comparison.

Fakes never match the original whether it is food, a painting or the latest offering of TV’s huge bucket of competitive star, wannabe, talent or skill programmes, ‘The One and Only.’ I have never understood why anyone would want to create a tribute act or band rather than something original. Even less do I understand the reasoning behind a programme where the winner; having been voted through each week and gone through all the highs and lows of the performances; only gets to be a copy of someone famous, something they were doing already.

Talking of pantomimes, my theatre company periodically mulls over the idea of performing one. Ideally it would be tailor made for our small underground theatre and some of the characters in our group of amateur thespians.

So I have decided to write one.   I have a hefty task before me, because in order to aim for a pantomime for this December, or January 09 I need to have it written, rewritten and ready to roll by May, when we start choosing our winter production.   I will also want to direct it which will be novel as I have not directed before.

Anyway my plan is to try and complete it by then and to post the odd excerpt here on Crazy Brits, in the hope that some of you will be kind enough to post some comments and give me some feedback.

Writing a pantomime fits in quite well with ‘Crazy Brits’ or at least this Crazy Brit, and hopefully you’ll enjoy getting glimpses of it along the way.

I have chosen ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes.’ The Emperor is vain, obviously, but ultimately a ‘goodie’ with an evil brother….BOOO!   I may not be able to talk any of my am dram friends into appearing nude so it may have to be some lary shorts or something…ideas please.

I read this:-‘I have achieved my long held dream of sleeping till I wake up for nine whole months,’ and realized I could do this even if I had to be somewhere at the crack of dawn, provided of course that I go to bed early enough.

I’m normally an owl, happy to stay up until the wee hours but sluggish and dozy in the mornings even if I have had a good and early night. In these dark winter nights it is easy to want to go to bed early, but it won’t turn me into a lark.

Actually when it continues the saga i’ve already had so far this month then yes there bloody is!

I try to avoid making New Year’s resolutions but Christmas consumerism condensed my hatred of shopping into thoughts of action and I’ve decided to do a monthly basics (loo rolls, dog food, tins and pasta etc) shop online so it gets delivered. If I run out I’ll try to do without unless they sell it at my little post office-cum-newsagents which sells a few grocery staples.

Then every week I’ll get an organic box delivered - i’ve discovered a very ethical farm who does this less than a mile from me - they also do organic free range eggs.

Finally i’m getting milk, in a glass bottle, delivered to my doorstep. Now this is a wonderful British tradition. Little milk floats chunkering down the streets and the sound of a cheerful whistle and the clink of bottles on the doorstep. I’m sure milk tastes better out of glass rather than plastic!

Mission will hopefully be accomplished as shops are avoided as much as possible, certainly the big stores.   I’m using local providers, which may be more expensive but I figure avoiding shops and trips to supermarkets to get things will save a fortune in getting sidetracked by special offers, hunger pangs etc.  I’ll also avoid the stress of coping with the huge choice of products, the heaving masses and  endless queues.

But today I’m not firing on all cylinders and still feel weak as a kitten with hopeless coordination. After phoning the milk company to find that they mistook my message and left my milk two doors down, I took Heek for a walk and picked up the 2 pints on my return, hoping that nobody thought I was stealing it.

I put it the milk on a window ledge while I tried to get the key in the door, grappling with the Heek who decided he wasnt’t ready to end his walk.

SMASH! A pinta falls over on the wall and smashes.  Milk pours onto the pavement.  Dog tries to start drinking it.  I grab dog away from glass and take him in and up to flat, find dusban, brush and newspaper go down to clear mess, realise finger is leaking blood, as milk starts turning pink.  I clear the glass, wrap and put it in the bin, go up, wrap my bleeding finger in tissue and get a bowl of water to slosh onto the milky mess.

SMASH! I don’t believe it. I rush down to find bottle two has fallen to ground. Go up get dustban brush repeat first series of actions.

Why didn’t I move second bottle to ground? I DON’T KNOW!

I can understand how staff might feel silly being forced to dress up and get in the ‘festive mood’ by dressing as fairies, elves and Santas, especially if they don’t feel like entering into the spirit of things, (see sub-standard Santas) but if they act in a nasty unhelpful, unChristmassy mood that doesn’t suit their costume it brings everybody down, better they wear the usual ugly store uniform and be done with it.

If we had an equivalent of football specifically for women, lets call it fingernailball (well football probably sounded weird at first) with a similar profile, mega pay packets and fingernailball stars with partners whose only claim to fame is to be with them, then women would probably feel more cheerful about football.

There would be the HATS; husbands and toyboys, who would spend their days meeting for coffee, shopping and getting photographed watching their wives and girlfriends playing fingernailball.

There would be fabulously wealthy fingernailball stars who would be bought by fingernailball teams for impossible amounts of money.

Of course there would be a series called ‘fingernailball Husbands’, with major star, Bestbitter involved in lots of partner swapping and lustful intrigues.

Female fingernailball hooligans would be the scourge of Europe as they beat the opposing fingernailball supporters up.

Women would meet at the pub to watch fingernailball on the big screens while their partners stayed home to tend the family. They would devote entire afternoons to watching it on the television with no question as to it taking priority over everything else. A woman’s mood could be gauged according to the fingernailball results and whether her team won, and obviously the whole country would be in mourning if we lost the fingernailball championship.

While it is vital that those that are genuinely incapable of work receive the financial support they need; ‘the argument of the libertarian right against the welfare state is that it provides a massive disincentive to work’.  It is well documented that we are seen as country that offers ‘free money.’ However, it is easy to get into a cycle of depression so that when you have  been out to work for a while, you lose confidence, and the will to do find a job.  For those receiving job seekers allowance and those with disabilities and illnesses where they can do something, why not make the money conditional on doing voluntary work?   

Volunteers are needed in so many areas, that there will be a role to suit every taste, giving the claimant plenty of choice.   This would enable them to meet people, make friends and increase their skills while maintaining a role in society so that they would be more likely to find life fulfilling and enjoyable.  It also looks better on a CV to have done something rather than nothing. 

Some posts could have a bonus or commission payment attached which would increase motivation and add the reward factor!

Area Store Wet floor eradicators.  Why do so many stores leave the wet floor and put these signs in place.  They need somebody on call with a walky talky to dash from store to store and deal with the mess.

Charity shop laundering technician.  This will makes sure  the clothes are clean and sweet smelling so the stores lose their musty odour and sell more goods.

Bag police.   Their mission - to lurk in stores at every checkout muttering ‘do you really need that plastic bag?’

Fast Food Trash Busters.  To collect all the rubbish deposited in the street and return it to the original outlet, dumping it in the middle of the floor when they are open, or posting it through the door or piling it up outside when closed.

Okay, joke!  But there are many vital and interesting roles:- giving carers respite, youth work, hospital radio, conservation, advice, support for the elderly, helping in schools……etc.

Apart from money rewards for extra work could be to get on a top priority list to be selected for TV talk or quiz shows, or even (if they must) reality TV.

Sellers of bird feeders, bird tables bird seed, bird cake and nuts do a roaring trade at this time of year which shows how many are feeding the birds. I have noticed however that it tends to be the over thirties which is worrying because if younger people don’t get into this habit then eventually birds will really suffer in winter.

It would be good if schools had a bird table and children fed the birds in winter. They could watch and identify them through the window - what a great lesson in nature and responsibility and kindness. It would teach more than having a class hamster. Feeding something you own is on your terms, you benefit by being able to watch it, play with it and pet it, but when you feed wildlife whether they even take your food and whether you see them is on theirs.

I’m not saying class pets don’t teach something, only that feeding wildlife teaches an unconditional kindness and I hope that if children grow up feeding the birds it will never die out.

Little words are often powerful. For instance consider the word ‘but’ and how it changes everything.

Darling I’ve won the lottery, but it was only fifty pounds.

I do love you but I’ve been seeing someone else.

It suits you but it looks a bit tight.

Your work is excellent but we are going to have to let you go.

You have gone to so much trouble, but I forgot to say I’m a vegan.

I’d love to see you again, but I’m married.

I’ve got the money I owe you, but may I borrow it again?

I’m not being nasty but….I am actually just about to be really nasty

I took the dog out, but I forgot to bring him back again.

I was going to buy you a present but I didn’t have enough money.

I don’t want to tell tales but..blah blah….tales!

I’d like to help but….i’m not going to!

Your child is very bright but too lazy to do any work.

You are very attractive but I don’t fancy you.

I would have been puncual but I ran out of time.

I would have done more of these but ran out of ideas.

Thank goodness the Welsh Assembly has had the compassion and good sense to ban electric dog training collars but many people will have been unaware that these things are in operation and legal in the first place.

Why have the Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty to animals, not been lobbying the Government, campaigning, highlighting their existence in the press and doing every thing in their power to outlaw them rather than the feeble ‘warm welcome’ that they have given to the news and a feeble ‘calling to the Government in England to extend the ban here?’

The collars deliver a painful shock, in the neck, to a dog who misbehaves despite the fact that dogs don’t deliberately do wrong. Those that are using them ought to try them and see how they feel if they get a pain in the neck every time they make a mistake, swear or annoy anybody.

Politicians should wear them and get a shock every time they don’t give a straight answer to a question.

Football shirts could have one sewn into the neck, which gives a nasty shock every time the wearer’s behaviour edges towards hooliganism.

Z list stars would have to wear one to get their picture taken, but also get a shock when the camera goes off. This will stop them wanting too much publicity and the public from seeing too much of them.

Pub goers who have had enough could be shocked into leaving and drunks could be shocked before they get to the stage that they pass out.

They could be incorporated as part of a seat belt and automatically deliver a shock Collars every time somebody exceeded the speed limit, jumped a red light or parked illegally.

Instead of tagging criminals, just fit them with a shock collar to control them.

Vicars’ dog collars could have the shock facility to cut the sermon down to size

In fact rather than extending the ban for electric dog collars to the whole of Britain, the Government might do away with all the spy cameras and have every British citizen fitted with one so they can just zap anyone who steps out of line, says things that aren’t politically correct, protests, votes for the opposition…