Talking of pantomimes, my theatre company periodically mulls over the idea of performing one. Ideally it would be tailor made for our small underground theatre and some of the characters in our group of amateur thespians.

So I have decided to write one.   I have a hefty task before me, because in order to aim for a pantomime for this December, or January 09 I need to have it written, rewritten and ready to roll by May, when we start choosing our winter production.   I will also want to direct it which will be novel as I have not directed before.

Anyway my plan is to try and complete it by then and to post the odd excerpt here on Crazy Brits, in the hope that some of you will be kind enough to post some comments and give me some feedback.

Writing a pantomime fits in quite well with ‘Crazy Brits’ or at least this Crazy Brit, and hopefully you’ll enjoy getting glimpses of it along the way.

I have chosen ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes.’ The Emperor is vain, obviously, but ultimately a ‘goodie’ with an evil brother….BOOO!   I may not be able to talk any of my am dram friends into appearing nude so it may have to be some lary shorts or something…ideas please.

With regard to this, it is the month, and not the country.  January everwhere is dreary whether it’s hot dry and dreary,  windy, wintery and dreary, blisteringly, baking and dreary, or snowy, freezing and dreary.  I know we are cold wet and dreary but hey, we brighten it all up with pantomimes which is more than can be said for anywhere else!

Pantomimes are being performed in theatres, village halls and community centres throughout the land.
We all know what they are but to try and describe them to a visitor to this nation is more difficult.

A traditional Christmas play, loosely based on one of the fairytales or sometimes a mixture of a few of them, containing contemporary music and songs, some which the audience can participate in.

In it at least one man will be dressed as a woman, playing a female character and a woman is likely to be playing the prince, or lead male character. This is because it is funnier, and pantomimes were originally Mummers plays performed in manor houses by travelling players who were all male and had to take female and male roles.

Audience participation is vital, ‘oh yes it is!’ They expect to join in throughout by shouting ‘look behind you’ when the ‘villain’ appears behind the hero or heroine, and arguing the toss whenever the key character shouts ‘Oh yes it is, or oh no it isn’t!’ The audience will cheer for the heroes and boo or hiss at the villains, throughout. This includes adults in the audience, who seem to revert to childhood, as well as the children themselves.

Pantomimes run from December usually until end January, though sometimes mid February. Actors, TV personalities, pop stars and others take part in them and act as a magnet to encourage people to see the show.

Other sure events are that a couple of children will be invited to participate in something on stage and sweets will be thrown at the audience at the end.

They are quirky, eccentric, funny, full of contradictions and we love them. Maybe because in a way, they depict all the good, crazy aspects of Britain.

I heard on the news that the Government is going to provide  advance screening for serial killers.  Just as I was wondering why the heck evil criminals should be getting prestigious health benefits the report continued…such as heart disease, cancer and strokes.

I read this:-‘I have achieved my long held dream of sleeping till I wake up for nine whole months,’ and realized I could do this even if I had to be somewhere at the crack of dawn, provided of course that I go to bed early enough.

I’m normally an owl, happy to stay up until the wee hours but sluggish and dozy in the mornings even if I have had a good and early night. In these dark winter nights it is easy to want to go to bed early, but it won’t turn me into a lark.

Actually when it continues the saga i’ve already had so far this month then yes there bloody is!

I try to avoid making New Year’s resolutions but Christmas consumerism condensed my hatred of shopping into thoughts of action and I’ve decided to do a monthly basics (loo rolls, dog food, tins and pasta etc) shop online so it gets delivered. If I run out I’ll try to do without unless they sell it at my little post office-cum-newsagents which sells a few grocery staples.

Then every week I’ll get an organic box delivered - i’ve discovered a very ethical farm who does this less than a mile from me - they also do organic free range eggs.

Finally i’m getting milk, in a glass bottle, delivered to my doorstep. Now this is a wonderful British tradition. Little milk floats chunkering down the streets and the sound of a cheerful whistle and the clink of bottles on the doorstep. I’m sure milk tastes better out of glass rather than plastic!

Mission will hopefully be accomplished as shops are avoided as much as possible, certainly the big stores.   I’m using local providers, which may be more expensive but I figure avoiding shops and trips to supermarkets to get things will save a fortune in getting sidetracked by special offers, hunger pangs etc.  I’ll also avoid the stress of coping with the huge choice of products, the heaving masses and  endless queues.

But today I’m not firing on all cylinders and still feel weak as a kitten with hopeless coordination. After phoning the milk company to find that they mistook my message and left my milk two doors down, I took Heek for a walk and picked up the 2 pints on my return, hoping that nobody thought I was stealing it.

I put it the milk on a window ledge while I tried to get the key in the door, grappling with the Heek who decided he wasnt’t ready to end his walk.

SMASH! A pinta falls over on the wall and smashes.  Milk pours onto the pavement.  Dog tries to start drinking it.  I grab dog away from glass and take him in and up to flat, find dusban, brush and newspaper go down to clear mess, realise finger is leaking blood, as milk starts turning pink.  I clear the glass, wrap and put it in the bin, go up, wrap my bleeding finger in tissue and get a bowl of water to slosh onto the milky mess.

SMASH! I don’t believe it. I rush down to find bottle two has fallen to ground. Go up get dustban brush repeat first series of actions.

Why didn’t I move second bottle to ground? I DON’T KNOW!

I took my temperature with one of those feverscan strips which you put on the forehead. I am so cold and clammy it registered no temperature at all, even though I gave it double time. Fortunately I still have a pulse or I’d be seriously worried!

The washing machine broke down on the 3^rd. It didn’t just stop it shrieked, rattled, sounded like shattering glass and then bilged smoke, setting off the fire alarm. The dog’s howling added to the general pandemonium.

I got flu on the 4^th.

After a wretched night I awoke to find one of the Heek’s Christmas treat bones had seriously disagreed with him and he had deposited piles of puke at intervals in the hall and lounge, including the couch. Trying to clear this with a raging temperature, a rattling chest, throbbing head and dizziness took most of the morning. Then I collapsed and spent two days in bed.

I have been TRYING to dispute a completely OTT parking fine with Brighton Borough Council for being 12 minutes overdue after my parking ticket expired. In the process of trying to reason with robots, and the grounds for appeal not allowing for human error (such as mislaying my car, which is how it happened) the penalty for not paying without delay (even though I was trying to  fight it)  increased the fine to £60 and then to £90. Despite being determined to fight to the death, as penalising people for protesting seems completely immoral I finally gave in, in a sickness fuelled depressed moment and threats of bailiffs etc. Now I hate myself for being feeble and so want revenge!

I was due to start a new job on the 7^th, but due to said flu and barely being able to cross a room without passing out I might have to postpone it.

I’m not normally superstitious or fearful, but all this in the first week? The January blues, you don’t get them, January gives them to you.

I took my dog out for his final walk last night. Normally we walk at the back of the castle on the marshland and country spreading across to the beach where he can do his business and it does not need clearing up anymore than the sheep poo or cow pats do. But at night we just walk five minutes up the road, often past the pond and on this particular night he decided to do it on the grass verge.

‘Great!’ i thought fishing in my pockets for doggy bag. I hate clearing poo and always feel embarrassed at being seen handling and clearing the stuff. Suddenly I saw a man, just across the street, standing motionless and staring at us. I waited for him to go as I wasn’t about to bend down and get a cosh on the head or something.

We had a strange stand-off as I stood with the Heek, waiting for him to get lost so I could clear up the mess and go, and he stared so that I started getting a prickle of unease rippling up my back as he just continued, standing there .

Then he spoke “I’m waiting to see if you’re going to clear it up.”

“Well would you mind going so I can get on with it?” I asked, thinking ‘officious plonker!’

“I’ll wait,” he said continuing to stare.

“I’m not going to do it with you there. It’s dark, i’m a lone woman albeit with dog,and you are a man just staring at me, so please go.” I asked.

He got into a car a few yards away. This was even more scary as I hadn’t heard him get out of any car so he must have done it quite quietly. Then instead of driving off he sat in the car. It was only a few yards from us. Did I tie H up and clear up, risking the fact he was a nutter and would take advantage of my tethered dog to get out of his car and approach me? Did I try to clear up holding H, risking bending down but knowing H would see him approach (but H is only a little dog so not a great deterrent. He’d bark like crazy but British apathy may not respond to a barking dog and a lone woman’s scream?) Or was I being completely paranoid and was he just a local nerd who fancied himself as the local by-law enforcement officer?

Fortunately he drove off, and I went to tether H and get on with it.

Unfortunately, as I went back with doggy bag the car had done a loop and drove slowly past again, really freaking me out so I rushed over to untether H. As I was panicking it became tangled and much harder than it should have been.

Fortunately the car continued on its way.

Unfortunately by the time I had untethered H, and gone back to where I thought the offending mess was, I couldn’t find it.

Picture strange woman and dog walking along in the dark, peering at grass verge while looking fearfully over shoulder, every few minutes.

So all you guys, please be sensitive to the fact that you may seem to be a threat if you stand and stare, or follow a woman or even walk behind her at night even if you really are just a wierd nerdy plonker.

BT and certain other companies seem to think that they can do what they like. This happened to me too so I cancelled my direct debit and paid the bill when it came. One day i went to use the phone and was put through to an automated message telling me my service was limited as I had not paid the last bill.

I had paid my bill, but trying to phone through to a human when the automated message kept kicking in was murder. Obviously my internet connection was also mucked up so I couldn’t email or go on to their website, another piece of useless advice from the voice of the robot.

Finally when I did get through and told them that I had not received a bill but as there was a postal strike they might have taken this into account before being so high handed. I was spitting nails as I rely on my phone for incoming business.

They did apologise and restored it within the day but I told them they had no right to withdraw a service without any prior warning - it could cause huge misery if they did it to somebody old or vulnerable.

I could go on seethe seethe.. but i think i’ll just trawl the net and find a better, less autocratic call provider.